Winnie the Pooh not for you.

November 6, 2009

Winnie the Pooh is a cartoon character for children. He is meant to entertain children, he is meant to make them laugh, smile, maybe even teach them a lesson or two. He can adorn their clothing, blankets, pillows, etc.

Winnie the Pooh is not for adults, he is not meant to inspire or make adults laugh, he is not meant to adorn their clothing.

Last night while at the bar with some friends there was an adult woman wearing a winnie the pooh shirt. Why would she wear a winnie the pooh shirt to the bar? No children are allowed in the bar, no children were in this bar, why would you wear a winnie the pooh shirt to the bar?

She must have been retarded, a slow adult. Judging by her greasy hair, green teeth, huge gut, and child like attire, she was no doubt retarded.

Why would a slow adult be at the bar? Aren’t they lacking coordination and mental conditioning as it is?

Only children should wear winnie the pooh shirts… or slow adults.


My Best Friend

October 27, 2009

It’s no secret, I’m a dog lover. I’ve had dogs my entire life that I can remember. There may have been a year hiatus between when Crackers was put to sleep and when Kirby was adopted. Dogs sometimes just know things, speaking of which PJ dog must know I’m starting to write about her as she just placed her paw on my leg and is staring at me with her big brown eyes.

photoThis picture was taken a day ago when I was getting ready for work. The unwavering affection in her eyes, without even a whimper or a bark she lets me know, “I love you, thank you for saving me, thank you for rescuing me.”

I didn’t rescue PJ for the gratitude, I didn’t buy her because I felt I was doing something good and I wanted the credit for it. I rescued PJ because I’ve had dogs, I’ve seen that affection, that loyalty, that love. I wanted a dog as a companion and I got way more than that.

PJ is quite possibly the most affectionate dog in the world. When I leave my house in the morning, she sits there and stares at me, she turns her head to the side and her big brown eyes glisten as if she’s about to tear up. It takes everything I have to walk out that door.

As pathetic as it sounds, I leave music on when I’m gone to entertain her. I won’t leave the house without telling her I love her. If I’m going somewhere and it’s going to be dark before I return, I leave the dining room light on so she doesn’t have to sit in the dark by herself.

I don’t even have close to a real job. I can work from home most of my day. But for those four to five hours of the day I’m gone, if I’m gone more than that, I have someone walk her or pick her up. She could easily make it the entire day, but I just hate the feeling of her being alone.

I recently bought a house in Marietta. My first home, I’ve lived in a apartments and with my parents. People ask if I live alone, I tell them no. They ask who is my roomate, I tell them I don’t have a roommate, I live with my dog PJ. Most people just laugh, they don’t understand. But the dog lovers know, I truly don’t live alone.

Dogs are such a loyal animal, so loving and caring, they become part of your life just like a child. Some nights when I go to bed, I’ll tell PJ it’s bed time. I’ll go upstairs get ready to go to sleep, brush my teeth, set my alarm and the TV sleep timer. Most nights, PJ is waiting there at the end of the bed on her little pillow(yes she has her own pillow) and all is right with the world. I hop into the bed, tell pj good night and I fall asleep probably within 15 minutes.

But there are some nights, when PJ just decides, “I’m not going to bed right now, I feel like playing with my toys a little longer.” Those nights, I get ready for bed just the same way, I set my alarm, set the sleep timer, hop into bed… then I toss and turn, I can’t sleep. The sleep timer expires and I have to turn the tv back on.

There is a travelers insurance commercial where the dog has his favorite bone, he hides it a few places, he buries it, he puts it in a safe deposit box and he dreams about it. Finally he gets it insured by travelers and all is right with the world, see below.

So I’m watching that commercial and I’m thinking, “wow that’s a cute commercial.” As I look down, PJ is sitting there next to me with the same exact bone in her mouth, as if to say, “Can we get insurance on this?”

Dogs know, they know when you’re sad, or angry. I’ll yell at my laptop and pj will crawl over, put a paw on my leg and look up at me. Telling me, “Whatever is making you mad, I’ll listen to you.” I’ll sit there and talk right at her, and even though she has no idea what I’m saying, she tilts her head to look interested, then she’ll give me a few quick doggy kisses and everything will be ok. Today I went to visit my parents, they live only a mile away. The majority of the time I go there, I’ll take PJ with me and she will play with Kirby(16 years on Saturday the 31st and still kicking.) I didn’t take her today because it was just a quick trip and she HATES the car.

I get to my parents I’m cleaning up a small grill that I’m taking to a pearl jam concert tomorrow. I walk inside a few times, and back into the garage. I hear Kirby inside whining. My mom is inside, so she’s with him, he’s not alone, he sees me coming in and out and he’s whining. He’s expecting PJ to be with me. He misses his friend and wants to play with her. We promise Kirby she’ll be here tomorrow, so they can play. He opens his mouth, hangs his tongue out as if to smile and pants a little bit. You can tell he’s thinking, “But I wanna play now!”

The other week, I tortured myself by watching Marley & Me. Let me just say, I bawled like a baby. From the first time Marley had trouble walking up the steps until he was put down, my eyes were welled up with tears. I’d look at PJ and think, “I know you’re only five, but I have no idea how I’m going to take  it when this happens to us.” I love this dog. Pj watched the whole movie with me and we cuddled a bit afterwards.

How you could ever hurt one of this animals is way beyond me. That undying affection, the loyalty. No matter what kind of day I had, PJ is always waiting at the door to give me doggy kisses and I can’t wait for her to give them to me.

I love my dog.

PJ kisses


Game 163

October 7, 2009

In March 2002 the Minnesota Twins were one of two teams that were picked to be contracted, eliminated from Major League Baseball. Since then Minnesota has won 5 out of 7 division titles, had 2 Cy Young award winners, 1 MVP, 3 Batting Titles, and another possible MVP this year. They’ve had 4 consecutive seasons of 2 million + in attendance including 2.3 million this year. In 2010 they open brand new Target Field.

Almost eliminated from baseball, almost left for dead, players scattered among other teams, stadium abandoned… A city with one of the richest traditions in baseball history almost had their hearts ripped out by the greedy owners of baseball. Don’t forget 1987, they weren’t the favorites. In 1991 they went from worst to first to stun the Braves with 2 straight extra inning games to steal the title in possibly the greatest world series EVER.

Down 7 games on September 6th, the twins made an improbabe run of 16-4 to tie the division. With 4 games left the twins were 3 games behind the tigers, yet fought to force a tie breaker and game 163. Down 3-0 in the 3rd did the Twins give up? No. First and third with no outs in the top of the 9th did they give up? No. Down 5-4 in the 10th did the twins give up? No… They fought, they scraped, and Alexi Casilla who hits below the mendoza line hit a bloop single scoring Carlos Gomez in the bottom of the 12th to advance.

The Yankees may be the overwhelming favorites, and they deserve to be. They might have 103 wins and be 7-0 against Minnesota this season. But a billion dollars in contracts and an allstar at every position doesn’t mean you win every game.

That doesn’t sound like a team afraid of anything, contraction, seemingly insurmountable leads, players leaving for more money in larger markets, or 103 win fantasy teams. Go ahead and count them out, it’s what they want and they just might surprise you.

Go Twins!


All dogs go to heaven…

September 24, 2009

This post might be a little premature, but it’s been something that’s been resonating in my brain for quite some time. A dog’s life is something that’s quite like the elderly grand parent who’s accepted their better years are behind them and any day could be their last.

Everyone around them senses this feeling and feeds off of it, almost accepting the fact that life as they know it has come to an end, or will eventually. And when that day comes, we cry, we laugh, we gather around and celebrate their lives. Even with the overwhelming acceptance we’ve held for the previous days, months, years; it still hurts.

I’ve had three dogs in my life. The first was crackers, a stray my parents picked up around the time I was born. She was a collie and German Sheppard mixed, all white with a brown spot on her left hind leg and a pink nose. She was the sweetest dog; greeted you when you entered a room, slept at the end of the bed, didn’t have to go out too much, never really begged for food. As a child I was more concerned about friends, school, sports, etc, to really pay attention to the dog. She wasn’t mine per say, either. I loved crackers just the same, when she passed it was only a few weeks before my 13th birthday. We cried, she was cremated and now sits on top of my parents hutch.

We rescued Kirby from the Humane league in 1994. He was a 1o month old lab and border collie mixed. I remember when we picked him out, my mom put her fingers in his cage and he licked them, we knew he was the one. For those of you who know anything about border collies, they are extremely smart dogs, probably the smartest breed out there, they are also very hyper and very active. They love to run, they love to play. We did not know this.

The first night we had Kirby we didn’t have a crate, we had two baby gates stacked up on top of each other and kept him in a hall way, that was until he figured out how to jump over them. After purchasing a crate we thought the problem was solved until he was trained, but he figured out how to get out of that. It had three latches that slid behind bars, and another little turn key that wrapped around the bar and held it in place. Whether kirby was let out by someone or bashed his head against the crate until he escaped, we had no idea. Finally, a padlock was used. This was until the babysitter left it off, kirby escaped and decided to chew stuff meaningful to us. He chewed Kyle’s favorite Falcons hat and my sisters favorite barbie.

He knew what he was doing, he was no dummy. But we forgot about him trying to run, that was until he took off a couple times. He’d be laying in the middle of the living room, we’d open up the front door and before we could say hello, boom he was gone across the street and into the fields behind our development. We lived around a lot of farm land so as soon as he got off of our block it was all open space. Kirby was so fast, he’d get so far ahead of us that even if we ran full speed after him, he’d have time to squat and take a dump and we still wouldn’t catch him.

All he wanted to do was run, and after he got done and you were done chasing him or a neighboring farmer would catch him, he’d smile at you, tongue hanging out and walk home next to you. It was like, “ok guys that was fun, let’s go home.” He’d sometimes let you catch up to him, then as you stood face to face, he’d do this move where he’d duck his front shoulder down as if he was going to take off that way and then as soon as you froze or moved that direction, he would break your ankles and take off the other way.

I remember one time we chased him in a foot of snow, he was just this little black dot hundreds of feet ahead of us, the only reason we caught him was when he got caught in a snow drift.

My brother use to run football plays  in the back yard with the dog. Kirby would stand 4 feet behind him, my brother would yell  “hike” then all of a sudden kirby would run to the left or right and grab the nerf football. Hed take off to the end of the yard, stop, turn around and trot back. It was as if he knew it was football practice.

As kirby grew older, his back hips got bad. He started having trouble climbing the steps, or getting up on the couch to sleep. When my brother would leave, he’d cry and howl and whine. He’d take 2 minutes to walk up a flight of steps, but if you opened that back door he took two steps jumped off the first level of the deck to the second level, one bounce and was in the yard. You’d approach him and he’d still duck his shoulder, and run the other way.

Now, he sleeps all day, when he gets up he has trouble walking. It’s like he sleeps all day to avoid walking up and down the steps, but when he does get up, he can barely walk. He runs in the yard, his back legs move together as if they are one, he barks at whomever is out there and bumps into your legs cause he’s blind and has no idea you are actually there.

Kirby’s best days are when PJ is there. PJ is my 5-year-old lab mix, a ball full of energy and the sweetest dog you’ll meet. She’s the kind of dog that if someone broke in the house, she’d lick them and show them where all my cool stuff is. When PJ is there, Kirby runs, he jumps off the deck, he plays with PJ. We keep pj on a chain still, kirby knows exactly how long that chain is. He’ll sit there and bark at her as she runs towards him only to have the chain keep her away. Then he’ll trot around a little in front of her just to tease.

Kirby is now 15, he’ll be 16 at the end of November. It pains me to think that he might not make it through the end of the year. Dog’s are incredibly loyal, no matter what day I’ve had or what mood I’m in, Pj is waiting for me when I get  home. Her tail is wagging, her tongue is out, and she wants to jump up and give me a hug. She can’t wait to see me, she can’t wait for me to sit down at my laptop so she can sit next to me and stare at me as I work. Sometimes I eat lunch at my parents house, if kirby realizes I’m there he will come down sit on the couch next to me as I eat my lunch. As soon as I’m done and I clean my plate, he heads back up stairs. It’s as if he comes down to keep me company while I eat.

Whenever I’m home, PJ wants to spend all her time with me. She’ll grab a ball, bring it over to me and drop it next to my leg. Or she’ll get another toy and put it on the couch next to me so she can be right there while I work. At times I feel like I’m being watched, and I look over to see PJ’s big brown eyes starring at me. In the morning, when I get up, she doesn’t wait more than a minute to move into my spot in bed as if to keep it warm for me. Thinking, maybe he’ll come back and snuggle a little longer.

Dog’s are loyal, dogs are loving. They’ll forgive you when you’re mean, they’ll love you just for feeding them some bland food. They keep your bed warm, and there is never a shortage of doggy kisses.

Kirby is still alive, for how long I don’t know. I wish forever, it’s almost not fair that dog’s lives are so much shorter than humans. How is this animal who’s so loyal, so trusting, so trustworthy punished with such a short life.

For dogs, the pain isn’t as visible. Humans cry, complain, scream and talk about how much it hurts. A dog will limp a little bit, not be as energetic or just sleep all day. Sometimes it is nice, just because they aren’t bugging to go out all the time. But when I think about it, I’m going to miss him bugging me to go out, I’m going to miss his little duck and jive move, his dog hair everywhere. I’m going to miss his bark, and when he nudges your leg because you are paying too much attention to the TV instead of him.

And when I think about it, the more I hate myself for being a dog lover. Why get so attached to an animal that is unknowingly going to break your heart in a matter of years. It’s like any year after 10 is borrowed time almost.

When PJ turns 15 I’ll be 39. Hopefully old enough to understand more about death, pain, and more mature to handle the sadness. But right now, as kirby celebrates his 16th birthday, I’m not nearly able to handle it. This weekend I’m heading out-of-town and I’m dropping off PJ at my parents for the weekend. I think before I leave I’ll let them out to go for a run, so I can hear his bark, see his move, watch him play and leap off the deck. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to see it again, for the last time.

When Kirby actually does pass, I’ll write some more about  him… I hope I don’t have to do that for a while.


Cheaters never prosper, except in poker…

September 7, 2009

Before I get to the main theme of this blog post, I want to cover a few things that I’ve  noticed on TV.

1. The DUI crack down commercials with the guys driving cars full of booze… None of those guys were drinking, they were simply dumping alcohol into the cars in a cocktail/swimming pool/car hybrid. “Sir have you been drinking tonight?” “No, I’ve been dumping it into the cab of my truck!”

2. We get it, MACs are cool and for young people and PCs are old, crappy, have viruses and tons of problems. Explain to me then why do most of my clients have only PCs and why the one client that has a mixture of both has more problems with MACs then PCs?

3. I’m over Mike Vick with the Eagles. He did some horrendous stuff, he did his time, I believe he should have the chance to earn a living. Now some of you might say, “If I did those same things, was fired from my job, did my time, no way would they let me back…” Correct, but you aren’t a professional athlete. You don’t have the type of talents and skills and Mike Vick does. If you were one of the 50 best accountants in the world and you fought and killed a bunch of dogs, did your time and came back, and there was some verifiable way to prove you were one of the 50 best accountants. I don’t think you’d have a problem getting a job.

The NFL is entertainment, it’s why Robert Downey Jr has had 9 chances, it’s why Artie Lange is on the most popular Radio Show in the country and making $75 thousand a show doing stand up. When you are that good at a profession that entertains millions and generates billions in revenue, you’re going to get a second chance, and probably a third… Is it fair? No, but life isn’t fair my friend.

4. LeGarrette Blount should be suspended for the rest of the season for punching Byron Hout after the Oregon and Boise State football game. HOWEVER, there should be more of an investigation into what Hout said to LeGarrette prior to the sucker punch. Blount was heading off the field not even paying attention to Hout when Hout, waived his hand in front of Blount, tapped on his shoulder and then obviously taunted him.

This does not excuse Blount for what he did, never should a sucker punch like that happen. However, after the contest, after the score has been settled and no more play is to happen, players should celebrate sportsmanship, there should be no more taunting, there should be no more pushing and shoving and showmanship. You cherish your victory, you congratulate your opponent on a game well played, and you walk off the field. You do not seek out someone’s attention and taunt them. What Hout said should be made public and he should receive some sort of public punishment much like Blount.

I went to Atlantic City this weekend, and I love AC. I love playing poker. To me, poker is not a game of luck, it’s more skill. Yes there is a certain amount of luck, but you can control how much of that affects you but dictating your play and by managing expectations. I like to think I’m a pretty good poker player. I’ve played in a number of tournaments around here and more often than not I am in the money. I’ve won 2-3 large tournaments around here, and when smaller games of less than 15 gather and I play, more often than not I’m in the money. In fact over the last month, I played three free 90 person sit-n-go tournaments on FullTilt Poker and I placed in all three. I played three small tournaments at a friends place, I won two and finished second in one. In a cash game with some other friends. Out of the $120 worth of cash put in the pot, $7o of it was won by me. 

Needless to say it takes a bit more than luck to have those kind of stats. Also in the last few times I’ve been to AC, I’ve won more than I lost playing poker. In AC my game is 2/4 limit. Why? Because the first time I went to AC to play poker I played 1/2 no limit and lost my shirt. Ever since then I’ve played limit to minimize damage per hand and I’ve left up each and every time.

I played mostly before the poker boom happened, before poker rooms expanded and people who won a few hands online decided they were pros. I know I’m not a pro, but I at least have some sort of track record. I don’t expect anyone in AC to show me respect because I won a few games in Lancaster County.

Last night I sat at 2/4 limit with $300 just after midnight at the Casino. I began playing, putting my money in a few hands to see how people reacted to me. I saw three showdowns, lost one to a guy who said to me, “That was ugly, no reason for me to be in that hand, you played it perfectly, I’m embarrassed.”

I was up and down, a couple loose players and some bad cards. More often than not I was getting in a hand and folding to someone over betting a middle pair on the flop. It’s been a while since playing in AC I had to get my barrings back. After shuffling through a bunch of new players I was starting to make some money back, was around $250 and able to play 1 of  3 hands and making money on half of those. That’s when it happened, a guy I’d been taking chips from all night moved next to me, the end of the table filled with new players, we played like this for a while, a small pot here or there just to stay at $250. Finally the new players got tired of losing and left, then a guy who was taking pots like me got tired of trading chips with me, and he left and finally our table folded and we were replaced.

Put at another table, when cards were hot… and yes, cards matter. You can bet when you don’t have cards, but you can’t win very much. If you want to win, you sit and wait for premium hands and use betting patterns to beat your opponents. After sitting at the new table, I hit a cold run of cards. Basically just hemorrhaging blinds and getting impatient getting crap cards that all of a sudden low suited connectors and any unsuited connectors above a 7 start to look good. The chips start to bleed away. This is where my out of practice at AC comes into play. Had I gone more, I’d have been able to know to just calm down and wait for the cards to come so I can actually make some moves. I’m down about 100 or 120 and I barely have seen turn.

Finally, I get a decent set of cards, 10’s. I raise the blinds, get called by a few. Flop Hits an A 9 10. I flop a set. I bet again and get raised. I call the raise. next card is a 5. He bets, I raise, he raises, I max raise he calls. Final card is an A. He checks I bet, he calls. He has A9 for the Boat. I Have 10s and Aces. In no limit would this have happened, would I have lost $30 in chips for a guy with 2 pair when I could just bet $60 against his 2 pair and have him fold? Hard to say.

I play along for a while, recover most of my chips, we have 3 empty seats and 3 people walk in together and sit. They are all talking, all Asian and all of them know the dealer. In listening to the convo they all work together AT THIS CASINO!!!! Is this fair? Probably not.

All of a sudden the 3 that just sit down hit an amazing run of cards, all of them are just trading pot here pot there, one of them bets, the others fold. It’s obvious they are teaming up. They know when someone bets the others fold. None of them sat with more than $75 and all have doubled their chips. I make an observation, “wow you guys all sit and start winning out of no where… seems when you have the nuts, they have nothing all of a sudden.” Silence over the table, I basically just accused them of cheating. And all of a sudden, the winning stops. They aren’t raking pots anymore, and they are muttering to themselves about “now see who’s winning.”

I get back some of my chips and start watching players, there is a particularly annoying player who keeps yelling “Miss Deal” when her cards suck. It actually caused one guy to muck his cards early, very shady.

I notice she always throws a $5 for a $2 bet and makes her own change. Sometimes the deal sees sometimes not. Then I see it, $5 chip for a $2 bet, she makes her own change. Then the dealer sees the $5 chip, and throws $3 to her.

I shake my head, could it be she’s cheating? Hmmm. So I watch some more, and nothing happens for a bit. I’m still losing money. Finally I get another decent hand, AA. I bet heavy, raise and reraise every chance I get. Flop is Q 7 5. Nothing special for all the re-raises no body should have 2 pair, maybe a set but I have to push my aces. I bet, get raised, I reraise, and then get raised to the max. I call. Turn is a 2. I bet, get raised, then reraised and finally raise the max. Last card is a 10. I bet, I get 2 calls. Both players flip Q 10… Split pot, Aces cracked… WHAT THE HELL???

So now I’m fuming and ready to go, I’m drunk, I’m wired from caffeine from the 9 coffees and the 9 rum and cokes I’ve had. I start watching hands, I see the annoying girl throws $5 for a $4 call. She makes her own change. The dealer  is looking at me. He then looks at the chips and goes to make her change. I then say, “Woah, she already grabbed her $1 chip.”

At this point she yells, “no no no I make change for $5 I have in stack.” I look at her and say, “no, you put your $5 for the $4 bet, you pulled your own $1 out and now he is giving you another $1 that you don’t need. You pulled it from his call, (pointing to a guy who has only $3 in front of him on the $4 call).” The dealer looks at me and looks at her, and says, “I didn’t see the change being made, I do it not.” He gives her the $1 chip. Then the bitch mutters, “Yeah yeah, you no know what you see, missed it, I work here.”

Two minutes later I left. I’d been cheated, the 3 people who sat an hour before that were now up to about $200 each off $75 buy in from $2/$4 limit. That’s hard to do without some funny business. The communication with the dealers, the pulling extra chips and making change. Poker has become a different game in the last few years, I’m gonna stick to my games around here, maybe play a tourney in AC where survival is key and not just throw chips in for the hell of it. But I will tell you one thing. I will NEVER, NEVER play poker at that casino again…


Careful with those words

August 11, 2009

I haven’t had the time to write lately, unfortunately the new house is more work then I have time for. It’s good and it’s bad as it keeps me busy but it also occupies all my free time. The latest adventure involves a nasty swarm of digging wasps which I’m having eradicated thanks to Tomlinson Bomberger. I have a number of posts that I’ve been meaning to get to however the lack of time simply hasn’t allowed.

But with the house came a certain realization to some of my motivations. Sometimes I really seem to lack motivation, but it’s usually just pure exhaustion creeping in. No longer do I get eight hours of sleep, I’m actually lucky if I get six. That coupled with work, the gym, taking care of the house, taking care of PJ, Family and Friends, I need more like 26 hours in a day instead of 24. 

Again I digress away from the real essence of this post. When I was a young kid I was exceptionally smart. I started kindergarten when I was four, after passing onto first grade I was in the highest levels of all reading, writing and math classes despite being the youngest male in my grade by a few months. The kids in my grade were all a level or two above me in all sports simply because of age.

When we started with division and multiplication, we’d have competitions for who could solve them the fastest. Nine out of 10 times I was the first to answer, and each one of those times I was right. I knew exactly what I was doing.

I excelled in all aspects of school, I was smart, I had friends, I had fun, I learned things. As we approached 5th grade we learned that things were going to change, that things would be more structured that we would have to follow instructions, keep binders and save stuff. This didn’t seem too bad to me, I thought I could make do.

As we were introduced to 5th rade we had the same friends, the same school almost the same schedule. My fifth grade teacher was Mrs. Reich. She was new to Donegal, as far as I can remember. She had this theory on how to get us ready for middle school, “workshop way” was what she called it.

Workshop way was essentially little tasks, that you completed in order, one to the next. As you completed the tasks you handed in the work and you’d be allowed to go to recess a little early, or work on some extra credit. The tasks were usually reading, doing some math problems, completing a puzzle and preparing for regular work. We still did regular class work, but this was sort of a work your way through this and follow instructions on your own.

Mrs. Reich and I didn’t get off on the right foot. I’m not really sure why, but she just didn’t like me. I had the same group of friends I had in all the other grades, yeah we caused a little trouble, but it was harmless, we did the work, we didn’t do anything too bad. Once a friend of mine and I were on the reading part of workshop way, we sat under a large table and read the books we were supposed too. Occasionally we made a funny gesture towards each other, or smiled, or laughed. Maybe said a few words, we didn’t really talk too loud. Mrs. Reich didn’t take too kindly to this, yelled at us and threatened to take us off workshop way.

Being that this way was something she invented, we had no idea what she was talking about. We continued to read for a while longer as we were supposed to and then my friend showed me a funny word in his book, I think the word was pecker. We were 10, it was funny. We laughed at the word, not too loud, there were other kids talking around the room doing other activities, but when you read, you can’t talk. Mrs. Reich got up from behind her desk, yelled at my friend and I and took us off workshop way.

Our desks were moved to the front of the room and Mrs. Reich pulled out a stack of worksheets, Math problems, reading problems, reading comprehension. The amount of work she gave us was unruly, like 2-3 days worth. We were to have the work done by the next day. My friend and I worked through the rest of the day, the remainder of the class did its regular work as we were singled out and doing these worksheets.

I took the rest of the work home with me, did as much of it as I could before I had to go to bed. I did homework from the time I got home from school until I went to bed.

The next day we handed in our work, she looked at it, looked at us, asked if we learned our lessons, and sent us to our normal desks. Mrs. Reich then proceeded to throw away all the work we just did. The work we spent an entire day on to complete.

My friend and I unpacked our backpacks, began getting ready for the day, the entire class was bustling around, talking and everything. I said something to my friend about how having all that work stunk. Mrs. Reich and her super sonic hearing heard me and screamed at the top of her lungs, “Matthew! NO TALKING! Didn’t you learn your lesson yesterday?”

In a crowded class room of about 20 students all talking all getting ready for their day, and I’m singled out. I replied, “But Mrs. Reich, everyone is talking.” She simply said, “I told you not to talk, so you again are off workshop way.”

My desk was moved to the back of the room, I was there to do work for the entire day. Twice the work she gave me the day before, all for talking when everyone else was talking. Was this fair? Definitely not.

I completed all the work, I did it right, I did it correctly, I handed it it again, scolded for making her do that. I wanted to cry, my spirit was broken. Here I am the youngest kid in the class yet probably the smartest, and I’m singled out for talking, made an example of, and that isn’t even the worst part.

Broken down, not allowed to express myself, I became a shell of what I once was. School was no longer fun, I didn’t want to go anymore, my friends avoided me because I was always getting in trouble for nothing and they didn’t want to get in trouble too.

I continued to get in trouble, not for things that I even knew were wrong. I looked the wrong way, I laughed at something, I did my math homework first because it was easiest and gave me more time to work on things I took more time to do. I was always in trouble. Finally, Mrs. Reich called my mother in for a conference.

She sat my mother down, explained what I had been up to, my mother looked at her baffled. I wasn’t an angel at home, by no means, but I wasn’t a bad kid. I did what boys do. My mother asked, why all the work? What is this work shop way? Why am I being singled out? At the end of the meeting, Mrs. Reich said to my mother, “The way Matthew behaves, he will never amount to anything.”

I was there when this happened, I was sitting in the corner finishing up all the punishment work that I had been given for breaking one of Mrs. Reich’s stupid rules. I managed to make it through the majority of the year without issues. Thanks to the birth of my little sister, and my first girl friend, I managed to change my ways and get along somehow, following the stupid rules.

Eventually Mrs. Reich went on maternity leave, but we will come back to that.

Never amount to anything, is that something you want to tell a student or a mother? How’s that for motivation. I used that motivation and breazed my way through middle school and high school. I continued to be in the highest levels of all subjects, I graduated in the top 10% of my class if not better, I had extracurriculars, I was on the school newspaper which you had to apply for. I worked, I was hired out of high school as a programmer for a local software company. Eventually I faked my way through college, making more friends than classes, I’ve held gainful employment since my graduation.

I currently do what I love, I work maybe 20 hours a week but get paid for a full 40, how’d I get that deal? I own my own home, by myself, with my dog. How’s that for not amounting to anything?

But the kicker to this story was after Mrs. Reich delivered her twins, she brought them into the class. As we were filing out of the room Mrs. Reich sat the kids in their hybrid like cradles slash car seats and put them on one of those flimsy grade school desks. I happened to be standing about three feet from this desk when I noticed both babies began kicking at the same time. As they kicked, the weight rocked the desk, sending the cradles head over heads and towards the floor.

I caught the cradle before it hit the floor. I was able to keep it from completely going head over heals and hitting the floor. I then gently placed the babies on the floor in front of their mother. She looked at me, with a condescending look, as if how dare I save her babies. I looked her in the eyes, smiled and said, “Good thing I was standing there, these desks aren’t nearly sturdy enough to handle the momentum from the cradles rocking.”

So much for not amounting to anything right?

Teaching children has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. Day after day I have to teach one or two adults how to do simply computer tasks, yet teachers get paid less than I do to teach 20 kids something they’ve never seen before. The stress created by that has to be absolutely back breaking. But that’s no excuse for singling out one child. For making an example and ruining a year of a child’s life. I’ll never get that year back. It was one of the worst years of my life, and no doubt caused me to have a negative look towards teachers and structure and the entire educational system.

Throughout high school, I read ahead, slept through class and did the work on my own time. Same in college, I skipped class, did the reading if I felt like it and only showed up for tests. The fact that I was smarter than most kids allowed me to skate through high school very easily. I didn’t have to study, I barely had to do homework as I knew the material before it was taught.

I can’t help but think that if Mrs. Reich hadn’t ruined my 5th grad experience that I may have done even better for myself, maybe high school would have been a better experience, maybe I would have known how to truly study in college?

Thanks Mrs. Reich, despite your best efforts I made a pretty good life for myself and I hope those twins of yours that I saved from smashing their heads on the ground in that classroom have a good life too, I hope the amount to something more than their mother, maybe a teacher who cares.


OCD Strikes again…

July 20, 2009

I have a serious case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, well maybe not serious, but it’s something that bothers the hell out of me.

My morning routine is the same exact thing every morning. Doesn’t matter what time I get up, if I’m at home, I follow the same routine every day… Grab my clothes, use the bathroom, shower, wash the same body parts in the same order every time, rinse, dry off, clean face, get dressed… repeat.

I hate wet things, if there is something on a counter, or the floor, I can’t just let it there, I have to clean it up. Doesn’t matter what it is. I hate when my hands are wet, always need to dry them off. Liquids just freak me out.

I’m almost too cleanly. I wash my hands obsessively, I’m so anal about germs. I don’t like my food or even my silverware to touch any tables. Very weird.

So Saturday night when I went to a local bar to see a friend who works there, I didn’t anticipate being all OCD. I get to the bar to find out that my buddy was relocated to another floor where there is a band and a cover. So I have to pay cover to see my friend, and a band that, yeah they were pretty good, but seriously, I just wanted to chill and talk to my friend.

As I’m about to pay the cover, I’m told there is a model shoot going on for model Mayhem and if I want to pay an extra $10 I can have an all access pass and watch the shoot. No thanks! See the thing about Model Mayhem is that it’s for people who want to be models, but aren’t hot enough to be seen and noticed as models. If you’re hot enough, someone will pick you up off the street, you don’t need to keep having free photoshoots in order to get a job.

MM is where you find the girls who have an appendix scar, or are like pale, skinny with big boobs and a goth face. They aren’t really models, they are just girls who like to get their pictures taken and some how got it in their heads that their hot when they are at best a 7, and that’s on a good day, a REALLY Good day. Most of them could probably be easily talked into taking naked pictures for some guy named Chester at his back alley apartment in some shady part of Lancaster city.

Now I’m not saying I’m that best looking guy, I never claimed that. I get my fair share of compliments, but I’m no model, that’s for sure. If I was as conceded as people think I am, I’d be on MM.

So I pay my $5 to see my friend and a band that I’m not going to like, I don’t need to waste an extra $10 to see some bimbo I could meet at any bar in this town.

As I arrive to the bar, something is amiss. Chairs are strewn about, there are big lights and people with cameras, and I peer at the bar to see a scantily clad, big breasted, skinny, pale, goth faced girl sprawled out all over the place.

Normally, this would be ok, but not for my OCD. There is no way I can drink off this bar when this girls ass has touched it. My friend comes over to me and says, “I wish this fuckin’ skank would get off my bar so I can serve some drinks!”

I laugh, and it’s true. So I decide to walk down two flights of stairs and get a beer down there. And I continue this for the entire rest of the night. Even after the skank is off the bar, I’m walking down two flights of stairs for beer, I’m standing five feet away from the bar at all times, I’m so afraid of all the germs from that girls goth ass, that I can’t even lean my back against the bar.

I must have made at least six trips up and down those steps, not including when I had to use the bathroom and when  I eventually went downstairs to meet some other friends, the good news is my calves look amazing from all that stair work.


AT&T Fails Part #2

June 22, 2009

AT&T has failed me even more this time. After releasing the below link, and not doing so with much fanfare, AT&T decided to be vague about it. http://www.att.com/gen/press-room?pid=1574

I called AT&T a number of times asking for clarity and each time the customer service representative had no clue what I was talking about. Each time they had to call me back and then never did.

Finally this morning I got a rep. willing to talk to me. She read the memo, asked her boss came back to the phone and said, Mr. Groff, you are eligible for the $199 iPhone upgrade on the 3Gs.

I jumped for joy, I said thank you so much. Will you please make a clear notation on my account, or can I buy the phone now from you. She said, you have to go into the store but I will make the note on your account.

The above link states that, if you purchased an iPhone 3G in July, August or September of 2008, you are considered an early adopter. If you are an early adopter and your AT&T service bill is $99 or more a month, you are eligible for an early upgrade. Instead of waiting the 18 months (for those who don’t pay $99 or more) or the 12 months for those who bought in July and spend $99 a month, you can upgrade today for the full discount and not the $399/$499 early upgrade “discount” aka AT&T bending me over and ramming me without lube.

So being that I spoke to AT&T this morning, confirming I’m an early adopter(check) and that my bill is over $99 a month($107 check) I can get the 16 GB iPhone 3Gs for $199… right? Uh, not so fast.

I went to the AT&T store as I was told, skipped to the counter and found a nice girl named Krystal to sell me my 3Gs. First I asked, “do you have any left?” “I dunno”, she says, “let me check.”

Krystal returns shortly, “We have one left,  I hid it for you.” I say, “Wonderful, let me tell you my story.” I go into the above dissertation about calling AT&T, confirming with them, and asking for her to check my account. She logs on her computer and says, “Sorry, you have to pay $399.” I say, “But look, as I told you there is a note on the account, please go here,” and I read off the web address above. She reads it over, prints it out, takes it to her manager.

A minute later, Krystal returns,she has to take it to another manager. He walks over, looks at the stuff, says, “Our system is already updated with this info, you pay what it says.” I look at him and say, “well did you see the note.” “Yeah he says, it’s vague.”

I’m befuddled, this should have been taken care of. So I say to him, “Do I fit all the criteria or not?” He looks at my account, “Yes.” I look even more confused, “Then what is the problem?” He looks at my account again, looks at the print out and says, “Let me make some calls.”

Fifteen minutes go by and he comes back, “You have to pay the $399, the reason is your account is $92.57 before taxes, it doesn’t get over $99 until you add taxes etc.” I’m pissed now, “So where does it say in the flyer that it’s before tax?” He looks the flyer over, “It doesn’t, it’s just common sense.”

I’m furious now, apparently I lack common sense to know that AT&T’s $99 is different from my $99 considering I pay fucking taxes on their services. Truth be told, I couldn’t even decipher my AT&T bill to know that my bill is $92.57 before taxes. So at this point I say, “There is nothing you can do? I’m either buying that iPhone for $199 or I’m not buying anything from you…” The guy looks at me and says “sorry.”

So on my way home I call and verify that it is before taxes and that the lady this morning screwed up. I still think AT&T needs to be clearer with it’s policies. I also believe that AT&T should have a referral program.

I’ve sold at least 15-20 iPhone 3G phones to clients of mine, including 2 year service contracts, texting plans, data plans. I’ve personally made AT&T thousands and thousands of dollars. If they were to look at my account and see the list of referrals, I’m sure they’d have no problem selling me an iPhone for $199… that is if they didn’t give me one for free.


iPhone 3G and 3Gs and AT&T Fail

June 21, 2009

The CEO, CFO, President, and board members of AT&T should be in jail. I can understand that AT&T is in this business to make money, and I can understand that they want to keep people from upgrading their device everytime a new one comes up. But we must remember that AT&T is getting a 2 year contract for every phone they sell. There is no way that they are not making a boat load of cash.

Robbery is the crime, and hard time should be paid. The iPhone, in all inclinations, is a different type of device. For different types of devices, different rules should apply. There is no other cell phone out there that sells 500,000 devices in a weekend. There is no other cell phone out there that requires the waiting in line of 6 hours starting at 4am. No other cell phone has apple and AT&T stores opening up 2 hours before normal time.

This is why the 18 month grace period for upgrading a cell phone should not apply towards the iPhone. It’s not exactly a normal phone. And we must remember that even if we get a new iPhone every 12 months, AT&T isn’t losing out on money, because our old cell phones will be sold to other people and thus more AT&T Subscribers. And if for some reason Apple doesn’t upgrade every year, then we’d gladly keep our 3G for 2 years, blame apple not the consumer.

AT&T is already holding millions of iPhone users hostage with it’s more dropped calls, 3G deadzones,  and all around cell phone access dead zones. I just bought a home near the susquehanna river, this area is covered by 3G and has been for over a year. Just across the river I can see the cell phone tower, however I have zero signal on my phone the majority of times. This is not just in my house, but outside my house, up the street, down the street, standing on my roof. Did AT&T forget the lovely borough of Marietta? It sure seems like it.

But that’s a little off base. With every new iPhone purchse AT&T is getting 24 months of service. The cheapest service plan for AT&T is $39.99. Over a 24 month period, that is $959.76. There have been over 40 million iPhones sold, between the first model and the 3G model. The Edge model had a $20 a month data fee, and the 3G has a $30 a month data fee. If we split those in half and get $25 an multiply that by th 24 we get, $600. So $959.76 + $600 = $1559.76 on average of iPhone subscriptions. This doesn’t take into account the $20 a month most of us pay for unlimited text, or that some of us may have more than the minimum amount of minutes given in the $39.99 base plan.

$1559.76 per user, and 40 million phone sold. Let’s assume that 35 million of them are still on AT&T and still active. 35 million times $1559.76 is $54,591,600,000.00. That’s correct, over $54.5 billion dollars will be brought into AT&T just from the iphone alone. That doesn’t take into account the texting, the phones that AT&T has that aren’t iphones, and the cost of the phone.

Fifty four point five billion dollars and AT&T has to jack up the price of iPhone for people who bought the 3G the day it came out last year, so that we cannot get the newest iPhone for a discounted price. You greedy fucking bastards. What is wrong with you? The iPhone is a different sort of device, I shelled out $400 for my first one, and $300 for my second one. I shouldn’t have to shell out $400 for my third one because you want to pad your money lined pockets a little more.

This, not to mention is all on top of the fact that current 3G owners and 3Gs owners will not have tethering and MMS right away. AT&T is predicting that MMS will be out at the end of summer. And I did a little research, it may be sooner than that. On the AT&T site you can change your text messaging unlimited plan for the iPhone to the Messaging unlimited plan for the iPhone. It won’t actually make a difference on your phone you still can’t send MMS but it’s there which means that it’s coming soon. But I’m still pissed. AT&T says it wants to be able to bring MMS to customers in the best way possible. Oh? So when Apple said that it’s 3.0 software would feature MMS that wasn’t enough time to devise a plan to bilk your customers out of more money to stuff your mattresses with? And we all know that Apple cleared with AT&T that it would be doing the MMS here soon. No way were they caught off guard, Apple wouldn’t go behind the backs of it’s largest provider and sneak this MMS feature in would it? 

Tethering will never happen with AT&T, simply put AT&T already has 3G devices out there that provide internet connections for laptops. They wouldn’t ever let you piggy back a data connection for your laptop with your cell phone when they can force you to buy one of their neatly packaged data plans.

And what really get’s my goat is that MMS and SMS for AT&T costs them nothing. To my knowledge, there are two different types of signals that are used for cell phones. The signal from the tower to your phone, and the signal from the satellite to the tower. The signal from the tower to your phone is used for data, phone calling, etc etc etc. It does cost AT&T money, but not much. The signal from the satellite to the tower is a large wave that if not used, just goes to waste. AT&T pays for a certain amount of this signal, and it’s more than enough to handle the transfer from the tower to satellite and so forth, and the calls and cell charges we are getting more than cover the cost of it. But the signal just goes to waste.

So what does AT&T do? They decide to use the wasted part of the signal for, you guessed it, Messaging packets. So when you send a text message or a picture message, it costs AT&T absolutely nothing. It’s free to them, that signal has already been bought and paid for. Whatever isn’t used is wasted, and there is more than enough to go around. So that $20 a month you paid for texting unlimited with your iPhone, yeah 100% of that is profit for AT&T. And they can’t find it in their hearts to give us MMS and Tethering from the get go… Greedy fucking bastards.

But I can get you tethering, and maybe MMS.

Check your version of iTunes, should be 8.2.0.23. This is the latest version of iTunes, and it’s no good. Sync and backup your iPhone and uninstall iTunes. After you uninstall itunes, go into your My Music Folder or wherever your itunes library is located and rename the itunes folder to itunesold or something like that.

Go to the internets, find itunes versuin 8.2.0.10. It came out in May, I was able to find it on a torrent site, be careful. Download and install.

Go here and save the ATT_US.ipcc file to your desktop.

Plug your iPhone into laptop, select it in itunes, then hold the shift button down, and hit update. Change the file type to ipcc and find the file you downloaded in the previous step. Your iphone my freeze, do some funky stuff. Give it a minute or two. After it looks like its ok, turn off your iphone and turn it back on.

Go to settings, General settings, Network, and you should have tethering. You’ll want to uninstall the old version of itunes, delete the itunes folder it created, rename the one you previous called old to itunes again and reinstall the itunes you had before.

Now for MMS… I was able to get tethering, but MMS, not so much. Rumor has it that if you pull your sim from another phone that isn’t an iPhone, put your iPhone sim in that phone, make a few calls check your voicemail, do this for like 30 minutes or until you see that the att website has picked up your new phone. From here, on the web go and change your messaging settings to one that includes MMS. Go through the legal BS, click ok etc. After you do that, swap the SIMs, turn on your iPhone and you should have MMS. I tried, it didn’t work, but im impatient. You may have better luck.

Now to call AT&T for the fifth time today and bitch that I’m not eligible for the $199 16GB 3Gs.


Prop 8 vs Common Sense

May 27, 2009

One thing that has always bugged me is people who lack common sense. Certain thoughts, ideals, and actions shouldn’t have to be thought about or even debated, some things just make sense… Or so they are supposed to just make sense.

Proposition 8 in California banning gay marriage is absolutely absurd and I’m embarrassed that it is even a question whether or not two people of the same sex should be able to marry… OF COURSE THEY SHOULD!

Now I’m not gay, I’m the furthest thing from gay. The idea of another man naked or anything like that kind of freaks me out a little bit. I wouldn’t mind two women together, that’s absolutely fine with me. Maybe I’m a little close minded to it, but really my position on gay men has no effect on my position on gay marriage.

Opponents to gay marriage charge that a marital union should be between a man and a woman. Really? where does it say that? Oh it says it in the bible? Ok… that’s fine. If you want to live by a book that was written in different parts between about 2000 and 4000 years ago, ok that makes sense, because things haven’t changed since then?

Let me also bring to your attention that the bible also regularly makes points that women are inferior to men, for example: Genesis 3:16, Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Also, take note of, 1 Corinthians 14:34-36, Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

So you want to base your life and your ideals of marriage off of a book which basically states women are to serve their man and that women are not allowed to speak in church. Sounds fair to me right? I can understand living your life by the word of Christ, sure that’s fine with me to live by the ten commandments and to be all without sin and everything. And I’m fine in you believing in a God and that he sees all and that his son died some 2000 plus years ago for your sins, then rose 3 days later etc etc etc. Yeah, I’ll let you get away with that, I think we all need to believe in some sort of higher power, and for some if that’s all you can do to get through the day, so be it. And sure you might fight the above two quotes with some of your own, but really do you want to argue that you are following a book that so clearly has conflicting view points?

But don’t let an archaic book rule your life, it’s asinine. Gay marriage should be legal, and all you bible thumpers need to remember something here. God’s law may call for a marriage between a man and a woman, and you can believe that all you want. So two men can’t get married at a church with a priest and be married according to the bible and church and everything. You can have that, I won’t fight you there. But to say that two men can’t get married by the law according to the United States of America is completely contradictory to everything the US of A stands for.

When it doesn’t appease us it is so easy to forget the constitution and the bill of rights, but it’s absolutely apparent here that we are reminded that Amendment #1 of the constitution clearly states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;” Do you understand what that means? It means that no law can be passed that would respect in any sort of way the laws of any sort of religion, that we can choose whatever religion we wish to follow. So if my big gay god wants to allow some homosexuals to get married so be it, I don’t have to give a crap what your God thinks. We must also remember that when a state joins the USA, that state agrees to not pass any laws which conflict with the constitution and all of it’s amendments.

So a law banning Gay marriage, in respect to the christian church that claims that marriage should be between a man and a woman is unconstitutional. Now I know all you right wing religious nuts are ok with bending the laws of our constitution just like your favorite son George W. Bush was. But people who actually respect the highest laws of our country and who actually live by them, see their value, and respect their meaning, and are ok with gay marriage.

And what really contradicts everything is that those same right wing fanatics, who oppose gay marriage and who will oppose this blog entry, which is also protected by amendment #1, are the ones who vehemently stand by amendment #2 the right to bear arms.

I’m sorry folks, you can’t pick and choose the amendments of the constitution that you want to follow, this is not an a la carte of laws. You either follow them all or you move to Canada, where gays can get married, at least they have it correct up there.

So California, you got it wrong. Gay marriage is fine, it hurts no one. Equal protection by law, for all. As we approach the July 4th holiday in just over a month, and we celebrate the Signing of the Declaration of Independence, we should live by it’s most ominous verbiage, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Yes, that includes the Gays.