matt-groff.com

Most of you know I really hate local TV productions. Specifically local news and commercials for local businesses where pure amateurs attempt to be funny. What always gets me is when car dealerships put their faces on baseball cards and put their accomplishments in some graphic at the bottom. “10 years of ramming you up the ass and ripping you off.” Now I know who to avoid.

But what really gets me is when local people pretend they are important. About two years ago I was walking around downtown Lancaster for lunch and I ran into a local newscaster. I don’t want to say any names, let’s just say he worked for the Fox43 morning show and they had this stupid promo where he rambled on and on about some stupid damn coffee cup from their station. Oh yippee a free coffee cup from a local news station in the 54th largest market in the United States. Hold on let me light my hair on fire I’m so excited. But anyhow, he must have been shooting about the Watt & Shand building turning into a hotel and convention center, but he was yelling and screaming and walking around like he was running the entire city, I wanted to punch him in his smug little face.

But that’s not the worst of it. Somehow, someone got it in their pompous little brains that it’d be a good idea to feature a local news anchor as she travels her way through her second pregnancy. That’s right, I’m talking about Heather Warner and the Fox43 feature, “Heather’s Expecting. “

Who’s dumb ass idea was this? I want to meet the man or woman who came up with this incredibly conceded idea. What makes you think your pregnancy is so friggen special? Granted I’m calling Heather conceded when I have a blog named after me and all the stuff I think sucks.

Pregnancy is disgusting. There I said it. Yes child birth is an absolutely amazing thing, it’s just wonderful how this has been engineered to work. But the whole idea of a body growing inside of another body, and my attractive girl friend or wife getting fat, uhm no.

Morning sickness? no. Gas? no. Random Food cravings for mustard and icecream together? NO!

Oh look Heather is shopping for regular food… I shop for regular food. We’ve been dealing with 9 months of her shopping for regular food. No one cares that you are a pregnant woman in the grocery store. And after the baby is born you’ll be buying baby food? Wait, let me guess you get that from the SAME grocery store? Oh wonderful.. Let’s all hold hands and sing kumbaya.

It’s gotten as far as Heather has her own webpage called pennmoms.com where she blog’s about her pregnancy. Does she know what a blog is? Here is a little excerpt from Heathers Blog, “I pulled some of my late pregnancy pictures out over the weekend and was surprised to see just how big I was at 9 months pregnant.  That was with my first.  I’m hoping round two isn’t a record breaker ” Wow!!!!! How exciting, I just can’t wait to see if this is a record breaker!!!!!!!! Someone call the Guiness Book of world records, now! Oh and I appreciate the little smiley face.

She’s so full of herself shes created not just one, but two twitters. That’s correct, two twitters. twitter.com/HeathersCraving and twitter.com/HeathersBaby. Really, so we need to know that you are craving something sweet, and that the Baby is kicking your bladder? Why not just create one twitter, HeatherGotKnockedUp and post both of them there? Doesn’t that make sense? I mean it must be difficult for you to keep track of the 17 followers of your cravings and the 8 of your baby. Geez this web 2.0 is confusing!  I have like 314 followers on twitter, and I don’t even say anything worth a damn, you have 25 between two accounts and you are on tv with your stupid pregnancy commercials on every 15 minutes. I hate you!

April 21st is Heather’s special day…. Well to me, it’s just another Tuesday. Get over yourself.