I have a serious case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, well maybe not serious, but it’s something that bothers the hell out of me.
My morning routine is the same exact thing every morning. Doesn’t matter what time I get up, if I’m at home, I follow the same routine every day… Grab my clothes, use the bathroom, shower, wash the same body parts in the same order every time, rinse, dry off, clean face, get dressed… repeat.
I hate wet things, if there is something on a counter, or the floor, I can’t just let it there, I have to clean it up. Doesn’t matter what it is. I hate when my hands are wet, always need to dry them off. Liquids just freak me out.
I’m almost too cleanly. I wash my hands obsessively, I’m so anal about germs. I don’t like my food or even my silverware to touch any tables. Very weird.
So Saturday night when I went to a local bar to see a friend who works there, I didn’t anticipate being all OCD. I get to the bar to find out that my buddy was relocated to another floor where there is a band and a cover. So I have to pay cover to see my friend, and a band that, yeah they were pretty good, but seriously, I just wanted to chill and talk to my friend.
As I’m about to pay the cover, I’m told there is a model shoot going on for model Mayhem and if I want to pay an extra $10 I can have an all access pass and watch the shoot. No thanks! See the thing about Model Mayhem is that it’s for people who want to be models, but aren’t hot enough to be seen and noticed as models. If you’re hot enough, someone will pick you up off the street, you don’t need to keep having free photoshoots in order to get a job.
MM is where you find the girls who have an appendix scar, or are like pale, skinny with big boobs and a goth face. They aren’t really models, they are just girls who like to get their pictures taken and some how got it in their heads that their hot when they are at best a 7, and that’s on a good day, a REALLY Good day. Most of them could probably be easily talked into taking naked pictures for some guy named Chester at his back alley apartment in some shady part of Lancaster city.
Now I’m not saying I’m that best looking guy, I never claimed that. I get my fair share of compliments, but I’m no model, that’s for sure. If I was as conceded as people think I am, I’d be on MM.
So I pay my $5 to see my friend and a band that I’m not going to like, I don’t need to waste an extra $10 to see some bimbo I could meet at any bar in this town.
As I arrive to the bar, something is amiss. Chairs are strewn about, there are big lights and people with cameras, and I peer at the bar to see a scantily clad, big breasted, skinny, pale, goth faced girl sprawled out all over the place.
Normally, this would be ok, but not for my OCD. There is no way I can drink off this bar when this girls ass has touched it. My friend comes over to me and says, “I wish this fuckin’ skank would get off my bar so I can serve some drinks!”
I laugh, and it’s true. So I decide to walk down two flights of stairs and get a beer down there. And I continue this for the entire rest of the night. Even after the skank is off the bar, I’m walking down two flights of stairs for beer, I’m standing five feet away from the bar at all times, I’m so afraid of all the germs from that girls goth ass, that I can’t even lean my back against the bar.
I must have made at least six trips up and down those steps, not including when I had to use the bathroom and when I eventually went downstairs to meet some other friends, the good news is my calves look amazing from all that stair work.
July 22, 2009 at 9:39 am
In Niven’s “known space” science fiction, there’s an alien species that is exceedingly cowardly. They also have no sense of humor. Because they are so cowardly, the ones that serve as ambassadors to other species are, by definition, insane.
Humor, the alien says, is based on an interrupted defense mechanism. Why in the world, the alien continues, would any intelligent species interrupt a defense mechanism?
Ain’t none of us unscarred by the time we hit 40; we all have psych problems, greater or lesser, by then. I seem to have been a child prodigy, having developed them much earlier.
And this post definitely interrupted my defense mechanisms. Congrats on your amazing looking calfs (calves?) Maybe they’ll get you some work as a model.